5 August 2001 – Diary
Last night I broke up with C.. We had gone to a party and, well, you know how things happen. But suddenly I was furious and wanted the relationship to end there and then. I didn’t get violent or shout or do any of those things manic people are supposed to do. I was just quietly incandescent. And I left the party by myself.
Today I am as angry with C. as I was last night. I still think I am correct and it was C.’s fault. And I feel great – the thought of never seeing C. again sounds perfectly fine to me. My only concern is that I know I am starting on the up part of my cycle and I am wondering if perhaps my sudden anger and feeling that I can go it alone is a side effect of being hypomanic.
Don’t get me wrong. The relationship between C. and I has been under strain for a while – partially because we are moving in slightly different directions, partly because I am not the easiest person to live with, and partly because C. is not the easiest person to live with either. Last night’s incident feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Nevertheless, there is a nagging voice at the back of my mind that is saying would you really have gotten so angry if you were not slightly hypomanic and do you really want to go it alone for now. Isn’t this wonderful! On top of the hurt and anger and confusion in breaking up a relationship that has lasted for three years, I have to worry if my madness is the root cause of the breakup. Isn’t just breaking up enough?
Since I cannot tell for certain if my decision is my own or hypomanic related, I have decided to trust myself and believe that I am breaking up for good reasons. I’m not entirely certain that this is correct, but even a bad decision is better than having my bipolar swings leaving me indecisive and without confidence in myself.
And as icing on the cake, I am worrying how I’m going to survive through my next low period without C..
7 August 2001 – Diary
C. and I spoke today for the first time since the argument. We’ve decided that we need a break from each other. C.’s version of what happened on Saturday doesn’t match mine at all. I still think mine is more accurate, but I am willing to accept that both of us saw the night in our own way (ain’t that generous).
I think C. is very annoyed with me. I know I am still annoyed with C.. But at least we are talking to each other and can be amicable. I’m still not upset we are breaking up – being hypomanic has some advantages.
Chances of patching up the relationship – nil, I think.
Now who else can I lean on to support me during my next depression period.
3 December 2001 – Diary
Well, my fears of dealing with depression by myself were fully justified. The depressive episode which I am only now coming out of has been the worst in a very long time.
Let me clarify that. Emotionally it has not been the worst. Ever since I was diagnosed, I have learned how to accommodate my depression so that they no longer reach the extremes that they used to. I no longer have extreme panic attacks, and I no longer feel that I am the stupidest and most incompetent person in the world. I have become resilient to the emotional damage that depression can cause.
It’s not as if the panic and the feelings of being low aren’t there. It’s just that I have learned to recognise them for what they are – merely symptoms of an illness, just the way a snuffy nose is the symptom of the flu. Recognition of what is happening makes the emotional lows easier to shrug off.
Note that I said easier. I don’t escape unscathed. As usual, doing things became difficult.