22 Oct 99 – Diary – addendum
Amazing. Ask a rhetorical question, get a practical answer. C. called and will be returning tomorrow. I am in heaven. I am also looking at the house and thinking what a mess it is.
I’ve started cleaning. From seven thirty in the night to three in the morning I manage to dust all the furniture, clean all the cobwebs from the ceilings, mop all the floors, wash all my laundry, clean the bathrooms, iron the sheets, put away the mess on the table, clean the fridge, and generally have the house sparkling.
When a friend who was staying over awoke the next morning, the comment was why couldn’t I have cleaned the house in the last four weeks.
Why couldn’t have I indeed? Obviously this is all linked to C. I don’t feel manic so it must be love. Or necessity. For the last few weeks there was no incentive to clean the house. Now there is one.
Actually spent Saturday morning cooking. I haven’t cooked since February. I was amazed but figured it went with the joy of seeing C.
What can I say. Get a partner and settle down.
25 Oct 99 – Diary
C. and I are organising to settle down together. It is going to take a little bit of work, but just having someone close by is very stabilising. After spending most of September moaning about my inability to get things done, I am suddenly able to do the daily tasks.
I’ve always said that having people around me works like the medication. People who are generally around are about 20% as effective as medication. Good friends are about 40% as effective as the medication. C. is close to 80% as effective as the medication at the moment. I could almost come off the medication, but I am too scared to risk it. What if something happens.
I really hope this lasts.
28 Oct 99 – Diary
It’s been a few days now and I am in wonder at the change. We’ve been cooking dinner, I carry food for lunch, the house is clean, my plants are watered. I’ve been rock solid. This is heaven.
Of course it hasn’t all been milk and honey. I still haven’t been able to sort out mornings properly and so I consistently have been reaching one hour late for work. All my clothes still need to be ironed. Still the feeling is that I am getting there, and with the support from C. I will make it (except for the ironing).
Now that I can worry less about how I am going to feel, I can look into the future. Some of the things to be done include (1) My financial matters are in a mess and need to be sorted out. (2) The cupboards in my house are in a mess and need to be cleaned out. (3) I have withdrawn from dealing with people over the last two years and have almost no social life. I need to rebuild it, and (4) I need to decide what I want to do with my life next.
It’s funny. I’m actually trying to project a future. I’ve not done that before. But I feel as if I can do that now I have someone supportive at my side who loves me.
29 Oct 99 – Diary
Now that things are working well, I have to wonder if I was bipolar at all. Or if I was just lonely. Clearly since C. is back I am doing well. Perhaps I just needed to get married and settle down and it will all go away.
This is ridiculous. When things were going bad I had deal with the problems. Now that things are going good I have to worry about whether I was faking it.
Well I wasn’t faking it. And while I am more stable now than I was before C. arrived, I’m still bipolar.