Am now definitely into being manic. I seem to have gotten the arguing with people under control, but I have also warned everyone that I am hyperactive and more likely to flare up than usual.
And then I don’t actually quarrel with anyone. It’s as if my broadcasting that I am argumentative actually works to prevent me from being so.
I still have the compulsion to do the little things. So far I am happy with it because, well because I am getting an awful lot done immediately. But it still feels as if it doesn’t belong to me, more as if I am being gently nudged into doing all the correct things.
However, I can see where this can become a problem. If I get so overwhelmed with doing the little things I am not going to have time to actually do my real work. Something to keep an eye out for. I also wonder if I will burn out if I stay like this.
Either my ability to focus has not been impaired yet, or I still have sufficient control to focus if I concentrate. That’s good.
I am also reaching the point were I am so efficient that it is irritating to the people around me. That coupled to the fact that I am in a pretty talkative mood can probably make being in my presence tiring.
And worse yet, although I know, absolutely know, that I will be depressed in a few weeks or a few months from now and not be able to do anything at all, I have to keep on fighting the urge to criticise my family and the people at work for not working faster.
Usual physical manic signs are present. Coordination is out of whack so movements can be jerky and fine detail work like handwriting or holding a cup steady in my hand is harder to do. Doesn’t seem to affect large movements like walking. Partially affects driving.
Also all the muscles are pretty tense – I am probably not going to really relax until I stop being manic. My jaw is so tense that by lunch time or early afternoon I will have a whopping headache (which I will ignore).
Even with all the problems, I like the condition I am in. I am sufficiently aware that I can monitor how I am feeling and actively adjust it. But this area of being manic but not too manic isn’t very large – a little wider than a knife edge, but not too much. It takes a lot of effort to be aware of how I am feeling and what I am doing all the time.
In this situation, I cannot for a moment forget that I am manic, and I have to keep on adjusting what I do and how I act. Luckily, the manic energy provides me with sufficient oomph that I have the ability to do that and still be highly productive.
It takes a lot of experience to be able to be so self aware and to refrain from going along with manic impulses. And I have a backup – Tegretol can get me off my manic high in about twenty minutes. And enough people are keeping an eye on me that I am unlikely to get a chance to do anything really stupid. And they know where I keep my medication.
I wouldn’t recommend this to someone to do. I am also well aware that this is, at best, risky and is probably just stupid. But I am so fed up of depression and all the ancillary problems that it causes that I am willing to try this experiment.
Brought my medication back down to 300mg Wellbutrin daily. In this state, the last thing I need is more of an antidepressant.