Venting

Every time I try a new drug and it goes well the first day or two, everyone around me goes “Yay!! – Everything will be hunky dory now. You’re cured!! Stride into the future and don’t look back!!!”

And I say “Well, maybe.”
“Be positive!” they say. “Why are you always so pessimistic?”

Guess whose view of the situation tends to be right?

If I am trying a new drug, it’s going to take at least 2-3 months to determine if it is (a) effective, (b) effective over a period of time, and (c) has side effects I can live with. I’m fine with you being cautiously optimistic if it appears to work initially, but it really pisses me off if you get over the top happy about it.

Yeah, I know you are thrilled to see me not depressed, but that doesn’t mean it will last. When you gush over my apparent recovery, you put pressure on me to live up to your happiness – something I really don’t need. Worse, your thrill blinds you to the fact that I am still ill and you make huge assumptions about what I am capable of for the next few days or weeks. Which are usually very wrong.

My caution is not pessimism. I have 15 years of dealing with my mood swings and lots of medications, and it is a wealth of experience. I do know – pretty much exactly – the issues that I will need to deal with. If I’m being careful, it’s because I should be.

2 thoughts on “Venting

  1. Yeah. I have just been dealing w/ this since last March, but nevertheless that is something I have learned. It is somehow rather sad, knowing you can’t trust it when you are feeling slightly less crowded in your head.

  2. Yup I had a big depression 2 summers in a row and was off work for about 3 months each time. People at work know it was for depression but I left the Bipolar part out. Maybe 2 people at work know about the bipolar part. Each time the only thing that worked was seroquel. SSRI anti-deppresents make me manic right away, and lithium worsened my depression. So I am left with seroquel the get fact drug LOL. I guess Valproic would be the other drug left to try. Anyways I understand your pressure about staying well. I am well now or atleast stable and able to function, but I am a little worried about this summer. Another deppression would be 3 summers in a row and thats gonna start looking awkward at work. Like I am trying to get my summers off or something.

    So I can relate to your posting. I try to let people know that my mind does what the heck it wants to. I eat right and train when I am well but the darn depressions sneak up and totally debilitates me, however every episode I live through helps me understand the whole bipolar thing a little more.

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