Why Aleksei has no Antlers

WP_000042 Why Alesei Has No Antlers

‘twas the month before Christmas,
And all through the land,
The creatures were whispering,
Isn’t it grand.
Santa’s looking, to pull on his sleigh,
New animals, cos reindeer are so passé.
Besides, traditional creatures of yore,
Aren’t fast enough
To avoid planes or the stray bullet or four.
What we need are creatures who
Are black like the night,
Swift on their feet, and no noses of light.
And if on the naughty list your name should appear,
A flash of sharp fangs, and on your ass there will be,
A small reminder that 2013 better be a good year.
The kiddos all decided to give it a go,
We are fast and we’ll help Santa with his ho ho ho,
Delivering presents and the occasional nip
To the deserving on Christmas Eve’s midnight trip.
So last Friday they made a quick trip to the North Pole –
Santa said yes, gladly, you’ll all fit the role,
And your coats are perfect for high altitude cold.
But there’s one little problem we have with the big boy,
He has to take off that little jingly toy
On his tail because, you know, we are going stealth.
But Aleksei stood firm, that toy is my wealth.
Given to me by my very own boy.
I’ll not part with it, not even for this ride
I’ll stay home on Christmas Eve, and lay down beside
Him and be petted, my head in his lap
And keep him safe while you two wander the sky.
So they left the North Pole,
Kiska and Devka with tokens of their upcoming flight.
Aleksei with none, but still his tail stood tall,
To know that he got his human and his human had him,
To snuggle all night, the best Christmas present of all.


.


I hate it when people say that bipolar people tend to be creative and gifted, and well, special. We aren’t – we’re just people, each with our own strengths and flaws, just like everyone else. Treating us as special means treating us as less than human. Certainly different from everyone else. I’d rather be embedded in the rich tapestry that consists of everybody’s joys and wonders and annoyances and strengths. It’s beautiful there.

That said, poetry is something that only exists for me when I am manic – which I find really annoying on principle. I’ve lost the capability to write the good stuff ever since I’ve been managing my mania. All I’ve got left is some scraps like above. I find this a perfectly acceptable trade off – I’d rather be stable and walking happy dogs in the park every day, than having mood swings and writing poetry while the dogs get stuck at home for two or three weeks. Real life is better.

3 thoughts on “Why Aleksei has no Antlers

  1. This blog entry makes me sad 😦

    And above poetry, it happens to me the other way around, I can only write when I am very depressive…

    Have a good weekend 🙂

  2. I am speechless. I love your blog…I was just diagnosed and it has become a bible to me. Poetry is my lifeline when I am manic…the only way I can prove that I accomplished something in the terrible frenzy. I’m scared of losing that…the sense of accomplishment. How did you deal with that?

    • Rachel,

      I think you are asking two questions – (1) How do I know that I can be productive / do things of worth when I am so random and unreliable (insert your own description, please) and (2) What happens if I become normal and lose my poetry?

      I’ll only answer the second question because it is easier to answer. My best poetry exists only when I am manic. Since my mania is under fairly good control these days, I don’t have bursts of inspired poetry any more.

      Do I miss it? Yes – in one way my life is less rich.

      Am I upset about this? No – because it’s a trade off. A lot of really cool stuff can only be done if you are steady in applying yourself over the few days or weeks it takes to get it done. When I am manic, I don’t have that kind of concentration / focus / steadiness, so there is a whole heap of other creative stuff I am locked out of.

      It turns out I am willing trade in most of my poetry for the ability to get projects I want done done. I regret not being able to create the poetry, but I also feel my life is richer in being able to do the things I want to do. Like going cycling every weekend or finishing the database project at my office.

      You don’t have to agree with my trade-off. And perhaps there is a way to have both – the poetry and the steadiness. I haven’t found it, but maybe you might. But you don’t need to be afraid of losing your creativity – you won’t. That is an inherent part of you and it will come out no matter if you are manic or not.

      Enjoy your poetry. But remember life is change. If one day you realise the poetry is not happening, accept that you have a set of really cool stuff you wrote and move on to your next project you always wanted to do.

      Finally, I wasn’t manic when I wrote the poetry above. You’ll never really ever lose your ability 🙂

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