Planning One Week Ahead

3 July 2000 – Diary
Spent a fair part of last week in what would have been described as a “mixed state,” some anxiety, some mania. According to my schedule I should have been depressed, but I wasn’t. I’m starting to get depressed now.

Basically, my hypomanic state lasted one week longer than it should have. I hope that this is not a sign that my moods are becoming more unpredictable. That would be frightening as I have developed a system of coping that is based on my state being so predictable. Continue reading Planning One Week Ahead

Depression and Prozac

9 September 2000 – Diary
I almost don’t know where to start. It has been two months since I have sat in front of a computer and typed anything. My last truly conscious thought at the beginning of June. A friend of mine has written an e-mail to me, and I started a draft reply on Friday morning, That would have been Friday 20 July 2000. Then I went to work. That was the last thing that I truly remember doing.

This has been one of the worst depressions I have had since I was eighteen. Continue reading Depression and Prozac

Being Stable Daily

16 October 2000 – Diary
Today is the first day that I feel that I have settled back to work. And I implemented a project that I decided to do nearly eight months ago. It took one afternoon to get the paperwork in order and to instruct the people on what to do.

It’s an exhilarating feeling to get the project of the ground after so long. And also quite a bit of puzzlement. After all, if it only took one afternoon to start up, why have I not been able to get it going for the last eight months? Continue reading Being Stable Daily

Breaking Up is…Confusing to Do

5 August 2001 – Diary
Last night I broke up with C.. We had gone to a party and, well, you know how things happen. But suddenly I was furious and wanted the relationship to end there and then. I didn’t get violent or shout or do any of those things manic people are supposed to do. I was just quietly incandescent. And I left the party by myself. Continue reading Breaking Up is…Confusing to Do

How Do People Live with Normal Emotions

11 Oct 02 – Diary
Being normal sucks. Big time. Now that I have stabilised from being slightly manic to normal, and I am normal and not depressed for the last 4 weeks, I hate it.

Being normal means that I have to balance these fiddly emotions all the time. With the mood swings, all I had to deal with is damping either the mania or the depression. With normality, the bloody moods can be anywhere and I have to keep on adjusting all the time. It’s a lot worse than the mood swings. Continue reading How Do People Live with Normal Emotions

Taking On a Race Or Not

20 Oct 02 – Diary
I spent seven and a half hours hiking and riding today. Why the masochism you ask. Well, I’m practising for a ten hour endurance race (hiking, riding, swimming) in the middle of November.

If I finish the race, my greatest triumph won’t be the physical capability (although I’ll like that). My greatest feat will have been to stick with an exercise program for five weeks. Continue reading Taking On a Race Or Not

Losing My Identity

4 Dec 02 – Diary
Went to see my therapist today. Was sufficiently scared on how I was feeling to want to talk with someone. I spoke to her about the stuff on the previous page, including that I was feeling suicidal. It felt good talking to her for three reasons – it was good to get it off my chest and to have someone to talk to who would listen to me, especially someone who wasn’t close enough to get personally involved. Therapists are great that way. It also represented a healthy milestone – I was not feeling good and I went out and seeked help. Continue reading Losing My Identity

Do I Want to Get Better?

2 Feb 03
A lot has happened in the last week. Probably the most important was that I ran support for my cousin for a marathon. She’s just about 5 feet tall, is the mother of two kids and she ran 26.2 miles. Right. I want to be like that. All I was able to do was half that – 13 miles.

Still thirteen miles wasn’t too bad. More importantly, I was able since before Christmas to stay stable enough to take part in the training for the marathon and take part in it. This is a far cry from the November experience when everything failed me. Continue reading Do I Want to Get Better?